Surplus to Life

The silence is Deafening on waking up at 4:30am, the emptiness is endless, quiet slow misery Holding a dead body in your memory, yearning for yesterday, life has no meaning it is surplus to requirements, the end is coming at you from all directions, a few cigarettes a cup of black Java and staring into space...

Everything falls into 3 Catagories Now, Things Before Boo, Time with Her given by God, and all things after Her, when I see a date on a file I internally check to see if it was before, during, or after Her short life... every conscious action I make has Her attached to it.... if I lose Focus for just a few seconds too long, I can barely Breathe as these are the desperate Primal Sobs of a Child, that lost its only friend, the only thing it related to and lived for, the greatest stress in an entire lifetime,

But then I think of My Poor Dear Mother, in Feb 1997 She Nursed My Grandmother in a loaned Hospital bed, in the front room which was hastily converted into a Hospice it had Pneumatic controlled Mattress, for Her Death Bed, My Poor suffering Mother had to watch as the life left NANA's Body, they had been pretty much been together all of Her life, everything I ever Loved has Died "Before me"

The pain for this little Hound beats every loss in my life... Really, My last Dog Died on Dec 15th 2006, I spent "90% of 2007 IN BED" though I dont remember a sence of loss of this Magnitude, Sure I cried, but I dont actually remember, I blocked it out with Vodka Hash n Pills...

So many platitudes come to mind, "She is at Peace now" "time heals" "Remember the Good times" "cherish every moment you can remember" I look Round at Her Bed beneath mine (My bed is 3ft off the Ground) it has been untouched since she last left it, My brain expects to see her and in peripheral vision when I unconsciously look back to check on Her, I actually See Her for a millisecond, my visual Cortex "creates Her in expectation" what a peculiar Phenomena but I am grateful for it, it happens all the time,

I went to a place we used to go a lot in the summer coz its cooler in the shade of a forest... to test the tiny TELLO drone, I want to do confined spaces and canopys of trees, I'll up load the little bit I got, for the first 6 mins I FORGOT TO PRESS RECORD... Duh Who cares nothing can bother me now... but I got a bit, will put it here in a While....

RIGHT HERE

For longer more frequent moments I feel remarkably Well adjusted and fatalistic in acquiescent acceptance of Boo's untimely mortality... like today I went flying in the park, to rehearse HL CL (Home lock and Course Lock) so if n when in trouble I can switch to it and get home safe and unbroken... 

unlike my fatally wounded Heart filled with Guilt n Grief... Like a Fox Killed by a Car, Which I once did, in 1991 a Fox Hesitated once it had already crossed the road, turned back just as I approached, It was killed instantly, so was the Nearside of my front foglight and surrounding Bodywork on a SAAB 99 TURBO

Boo has awoken me With Her Death, it is so Ironic... I was Lazing for months and sleeping more than I should... She Died on the Bed I sleep on, which does have its Spiritual benefits, I nuzzle the Quilt where She Died, Smelling it, feeling still her hairs, "everywhere" I am lost in Love for a thing long gone, it is Bittersweet and Agonising in the flashback of her last moments in my head...

But somehow Good spirits have come to my rescue from out of Nowhere nor do I know their Name's, but it is a several single certain someone who has Compassion enough to speak an internal good thought toward my tiny plight in this Big World, the power of a single good intention has limitless consequences on the greater good for all Mankind, one prayer @ a time; and in a time soon we will have a Blanket to Wrap the World in... to Comfort all lost Souls looking for Meaning and significance in "Anything" 

Sleep well baby Boo + it took your life to bring me back to it.. so many Blessings I am grateful for, How can I give thanks for such Mercy that I have already received while in Sorrow would you believe me if I told you the tiny Gifts that have been granted to me... No, U would not believe it, therefore I dissclude it out... Some kind Soul is wishing me well, and their Heart is so PURE it touches the Quantum Floor and reaches a distant Constellation of matter called a person...

I send twice the comfort you have touched me with, right back at Ya...

PS: Did a Flight today here is the Mediocre Video... gotta keep busy and preoccupied or I would lose my tiny mind:

Thanks for Nothin see ya...