Drifting Tectonics...

As You age you quake like a landmass... Physically mentally morally Spiritually... you cut corners in thinking judgements and decisions... you become unrecognisable as you once were in Youth lol...

you become your own personal "Madagascar event" you start to evolve as you devolve into ragged old blood and weary bones too decrepit and idle to move... you become fearful of anyone Youthful and full of vigour as they pose a threat to your existence, just one punch to the Head and I be good as dead... after a bad brain bleed in 1986, after being kicked in the temple... which left me cross eyed for a few years...

I should have died but the Devil kept me alive to work for him undercover of shade and darkness... lol... but/yet in old age you have an internal Projector that randomly displays bad moments from a long life of momentary fuck-ups and errors of judgement, it is like sitting in a hairdressers awaiting your turn and reading or Flicking through your own life in pictures, happy and horrendous...

The Magazine is called "Life" how ironic, when you hardly even had one to start with... you look at pictures of impossible people enjoying luxury's without limit... and what you Got ?... the sin of ENVY... that Magazine Mentality, that you always fall very short of perfection... all those silly girls who starve themselves with anorexia... i.e. suicidal vanity and conceit:

Dying in a council flat on the 14th floor of a hi-rise on £128.42p a week aint life a big fat sack of agony mixed with disappointment and mostly delirium, from trying to escape this living hell for peace in a dirty bed in a squat on the edge of a no hope town... that was dying before you were born... join the Caravanserai of street sleepers, when all you want to do is lose your mind and get high all day and all night...

whats the point in saving the world when everybody just wants to overdose or kill a total stranger... for no good reason or advantage...

War is a Whore... she sleeps with any Victor...

Terminal mortality..

Without wanting to sound deranged or off balance, Unfortunately I have reason to believe I am not long for this World.. The other week I Dreamt a Beautiful Woman came over to my Bed and said softly into my ear.. "You dont have long to live"..! Some dream.. and now turns into a living nightmare...

I was heavily in Denial and tried to blank out the memory of that dream, so b4 I expire without warning.. I just want to say Farewell.. rather than just stop blogging for no reason.... Sorry to say the fear of Dying is on my mind... not that I am Afraid of actual Death.. it is just the transition to Death that Bothers me... and all the Panic and Fear that evokes...

Look I am not making this stuff up.. but something is going on on my Chest that I can feel, encroaching onto my mind.... in an awful panic that wakes me from sleep unable to catch my breath, Yes I am going to the Dr tomorrow.. to DEMAND 1: a Blood Test: 2: an X-ray: 3: a MRI Scan...

The latter wont happen coz they dont want to waste an expensive MRI on an old piece of tainted shit like me.. be Honest, that is how they think... I am a living waste of Money and pointless life... I matter not, and am just another statistic of Smoking for 45 years!.. How can I hope to escape the fate that awaits us all...

I am pretty Acquiescent actually.. about Death; but this last 6 weeks has built up to this point... but this mornig at about 7am I woke unable to breathe and a feeling that somthing is pressing on my Chest, unable to draw a deep breath.. it's rather scary, But no doubt, the same thing will happen to You too... without doubt.. Death is the price you pay for life.. the entrance fee to eternity..

Death is no big deal.. until it's your turn to face it... Which YOU WILL.. So I dont feel so awful about it.. thats not bravery, it's pure logic... Death is a fact of Life.. get used to it... I would rather have a .45 and blow my brains out to be honest.. than wait for the Tooth fairy's Wicked Cousin... the Harvester of Souls or the Angel of Morpheus.. I just want to avoid the "suffering bit and cut straight to the ethereal reception into atomic decay... 

in a twisted way I am actually looking forward to it... thats why I would rather help it along... but you cant get a Gun for Love or Money in this Pussy culture Country...

Back to today... So I tried going back to bed as I was dead tired, but every time I started drifting off to sleep.. I awoke in a nasty panic fighting to get a breath.. What Can I do? so this is what I did... I went to Tescos and bought a Bottle of Vodka and 12 cans of Beer... I am halfway through my 3rd slug of V and 1st can of beer... and I have been almost teetotal for over a year... but when Needs must the Devil Drives... as they say... Why not GO FOR IT...

I am not afraid.. just Fearful... there is a difference, as You will find out when it's Your turn to realise... the end is much closer than You ever PLANNED FOR !!.. that's a "taken"...

So rather than get upset, as long as I walk around doing things, I can breathe OK, it's only when I try to sleep, that awful smothering feeling comes over me.. like being Asphyxiated.. I would rather jump off a cliff.. now theres a good Idea?.. but it still dont have the guaranteed full stop of a well aimed bullet.. Shit!..  I am surprised at the Nobility of my resolve.. it's not courage, it's the B n V that smoothes out the vision of the funeral pyre..

I refuse to afraid.. just fatalistic, till my last heart beat... alone, rather than with some weeping Bitch, that tells you she loves you... then starts sucking a strangers Cock, the moment you hit the furnace....

Death is a Good friend to all who live in misery... it's only sad when you have something to lose.. so dont be overly surprised if I just Fuck off without warning.. lol.. remember.. You can only Die if your alive.. you dont Die if you never lived?.. like a late abortion... 60 years after the passion has long been spent on your conception...

When you face it.. just relax and let it happen.. Worry never solved any problem, did it?...

Right now I am going to make Chilli con carne, play xbox "Apache Air assault" and wait for the inevitable... Chill out and cool off.. like corpses do.. it's no big deal.. there are too many dead to cry over.. a single life is meaningless in a sea of plankton...