like no other... to live every breath while longing for someones Comfort who will never come back again, that = Pain... not a Burn or a break but an ache like a toothache 3ft deep...
from the top of your head to your ass the length of your spine indeed all of your torso including your poor old lonely willy... you are experiencing an emotional event of such magnitude that it takes your breath hope and will away...
there is a Panic like no other that opens a vast cold chasm in your chest, that makes you feel utterly and totally alone, and very scared, like an abandoned child, that you have lost something eternally irreplaceable...
like losing your whole life's savings, on top of the car because it was so hot you put it there to take your jacket off, and forgot about it, when you got home miles later you realise what you have done... (thats a true story; not me btw:)
broken hearts eventually turns out to be a self perpetuating internal psychosomatic myth, until years pass and you finally get close to getting over it...
but all that massive emotion is food for Cancer heart attacks and Comas from strokes... Pain causes so much damage who can outrun it...
afterwards you see clearly via deep retrospect... like witnessing a frozen body just a few inches beneath the crystal clear Ice... looking back at you with dead eyes that look so alive...
and see she was not worth the heartache and headaches... the negative behaviour it induced is so destructive both inside and outside in unnatural behaviour...
and people read it... they read you...
like a cheap pamphlet filled with meaningless adverts and nonsense, You equal a boring Broken waste of space and worthless miss-information... an incoherent pile of wasted emotion;
I have had a diminishing obsessive love for 40 entire years, but these days it is down to; around just 4 or 7 nightmares a year... which reinforces that cataclysmic shock of Loss that hits you like a Psychological Rifle bullet to your Heart, and Dick...
Free Sex has ended, and is no more, not even Masturbation, is a living reality, wanking over avatars in your head.. unrequited orgasms never happen, I remember coming therefore I dont really need to do it again...
so vivid is the memory... as you sit on the porch in your little cabin in the deep woods, as the sun goes down and the Skin-walkers awaken to hunt your empty Soul all over again...
regret is so repetitive it happens every dawn and lasts all day till bedtime...
"Spoken like a true authentically Diagnosed Bi-Polar Manic depressive" that is what I am, a Shell that was never a Man... at least I am on the Cross with Jesus... which is a lotta fun to a Masochist...
makes me feel kinda Melancholic Joy-us and justified... as Obsessive love irrevocably evaporates like blood on a Stone in the Desert...
surrender and triumph...
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