this morning I had one of those rare dream experiences that I have mentioned a few times before.. it's at least 2 stops along from a mere dream.. this is how it played out... (as much as I can recall)..
I was in an old country church.. and out of nowhere this old girlfriend called "Jackie" (the girl who killed my soul and minced my heart to Cat food, 30 years ago) she was dressed in 1940's style clothing with an ornate hat.. she sat down opposite me..
and for the first time ever in all these years in one of these encounters, I got to look right at her; and into her eyes.. she was open and receptive toward me.. and at one point I reached out for her hand.. and got in close enough to touch cheeks in a hug, I went to go further and tried to kiss her..
But she pushed me away.. inferring it was not right or proper to do so.. and I leaned back.. and begun to realise, she had just come to say a final goodbye, for all time... that in fact; she was Dead..
and just came to say she remembered me, and did think of me from time to time.. Her eyes were so real as if she was actually there, then she was gone.. I looked around this quaint old church, and nobody was there.. so after that went outside, and it was like a pre WWII country village... and I tried to find my way home... but had no idea where I was, or how to get there..
next thing I remember opening my eyes and speaking her name.. and Boo, came up from the foot of the bed... and got in beside me, while I tried to recant what I'd just seen/dreamed..
as usual on waking from Jackie Dreams (about twice per year) I felt totally emptied drained and bereft; filled with an agonising sense of loss, like the thing you most needed to live.. was finally irrevocably gone.. for all time, for the last time.. forever...
and I remembered; how much I loved and missed Her; all over again.. only to lose Her; for this lifetime.. and all of eternity.. tears drowned my eyeballs, like puddles filling from below, as I looked up at the ceiling.. Boo could tell I was physiologically affected, and made a fuss of me..
then I was trying to compose a blog in my head about it.. but the more desperately I tried to grasp what had just happened... and recollect it.. it started to dissolve and slip away, I dont remember "anything we may have said"... it all seemed telepathic..
all that remains is Her lovely face; clear eyes.. that Hat!.. and her neat appearance... I was heartbroken, as if we had only just parted again.. and it's been 30 fucking years since last seeing Her.. it might as well have been yesterday...
physicist John Stewart Bell's theory of ''Entanglement" stays true... that 2 particles (or souls, if You will) always continue to influence each other.. however much distance or time is put between them..
I have yet to check whether she is alive or Dead, and may call Her Mother, who's phone number is branded still in my cerebellum.. I will let you know if I find the courage to phone.. sadly; I dont think I need proof somehow... sniff..
she was the last real girlfriend I ever had... yup.. 30 years ago.. how could I ever love anyone else? so there was no point in looking... oddly enough that Lady in the Park, is the "spitting Image" of her.. as she would look to-day.. maybe that's why I went AWOL about her.. I have recovered now.. and actively avoid Her at all costs.. for obvious reasons..? = I am a pain in the ass and an embarrassment to be around..