Blue Sunday:

My apartment has become a Church.. of Our Lady of the Blog.. You my invisible Companion.. I had a momentary lump in the throat.. just now.. I took a break from doing anything.. and in between sips of Black Coffee.. my main beverage.. and staring into space..

and had a "Wobbler"... (translated into American = a sudden low moment of unbearable emotion, when your Chin starts twitching uncontrollably, and the precursor to "bursting into Tears" is just about held at Bay.. the tipping point where you can pull back from the brink.. or just fall over the waterfall, and start sobbing like a Cissy..)

I am either really in Love.. or too severely mentally deranged to think normally... she is the only thing that can heal me.. She is both the cause and the cure... and I need Her so much right now, it's like being smothered.. by a pillow held against your face..

and I almost broke down in abject hunger for a moment in Her presence, and the Mocking voice in My head said.. "she doesn't want to know you, She's probably avoiding You.. coz your just a fuc* up.. and anybody can see that.. just by looking at You.. Idiot.. If she has read your Blog, you can be sure, she thinks You are Retarded and pathetic.."

Mmm.. the temptations to doubt that descend; when one is vulnerable to the whim of another...

God give me Strength, to overcome the imminent rejection I may almost certainly face.. Because, that would certainly be.. "A very Dark Night of the soul"...

where your Bones are ground to dust from the Crematorium.. and fed to roses in a strangers Garden.. I wouldn't mind, if it were in Her Garden, if all I am good for is to feed Her Roses... then at least I would be nearer to Her.. and be of some use..

I could just cuddle up and be happy to die Her arms tonight.. I miss Her so Much, it's really stinging.. but the pain itself is Sweet.. because it is Born of Her.. I carry the Child she begat in me, but I fear it will be stillborn.. and deformed.. what I would give to be with Her NOW.. but the vultures peck away this bloody abortion..

Christmas; alone; and in imaginary Love.. at least it's a romantic melancholy, in a masochistic sort of way.. Sounds like a serious case of "Self Pity"... Duhh...

Reality check: 1:40 am: got a pain in my shoulder, I just hope it's a Heart attack.. Whats the point in worrying?.. Who gives a fuc*.. 

I bet She doesn't even remember me.. let alone read this Psychopathic Shit.. Excuse me while I lay down and die: sorry for the inconvenience of sticking to your Shoe like the turd I am..

Think I'll shoot some Drugs... and watch a Movie.. 
on My 3D TV.. thank God I've got one.. Maybe play some XBOX, coz gaming is something I enjoy.. coz dont you know.. I just love fantasy action games... like.. Life.. and kayaking on a river of Sewage..

Check out my Gamer points on XBOX live.com look me up! (username lancelot 54) 10,000+ not bad for a 62yr old teenager huh?  I'd rather play with Her.. but thats an illusion too far maybe..

sorry ''Doll''.. if u are reading this? I didnt mean to doubt you.. but I so would like to see you again.. in the real world?.. where illusions rule reality..

I really miss You, (if ur really there) please meet me by the river, to stop me from jumping in.. lol..