A Skull to Love..

When My Dearest Darling Ma died... She had made an agreement with the anatomists society, who collect donated bodies for student doctors to dissect.. when I was no more than 9 years old; was the first time I heard this wish from Her...

I thought it was Pretty Scary and rather Gruesome, why in the world would anyone want their dead body cut down to the bone, so all the flesh and organs have been removed by a hundred thousand careful cuts.... But that over the years, whenever Death came up... in any conversation, she would proudly Declare, "I've left My body to Science"...

I tried to dissuade Her, but She was firm.. "I want to help others increase their knowledge by my small sacrifice" Worthy words indeed... from a person who knew only kindness and giving... God I Miss Her... but thats another discourse for another time.. and it is too personal to go there in public.. I dont want to cry for you like a performing Savant...

So She was Kept in a cold Drawer for almost a month, She hated the cold, and when the Anatomist "Evaluator" came to look at my tiny skinny 80lb Mother the decision was made, She was deemed "unusable" in other words, even as a corpse, they Rejected Her... They didnt want My Mum... She wasn't good enough.. she was too Dead for them... too skinny, had a kidney missing... Too Old!... No they wanted Young fresh Full young corpses... that were FATTER!!... but not obese... people who at least had some flesh on their bones..

But My Mum had none... She was a Rag doll Covered in Skin softer than Velvet... So against Her last wishes, We booked the furnace, to burn her sins away... and I called the Crematorium, and spoke to the Manager...

And asked them to preserve her Skull.. or even just an Orbit from an eye, a relic I can Hold and Meditate on the past with my sad heart... I would have loved to keep Her Skull or parts of it... but after 20 mins on the Phone with Paul "the Manager" of the CREMATORIUM.. The only Drive in where You Burn the Meat to ashes.... pay a fortune and dont even get a free drink....

NO it is against the Laws of the Land, to preserve any of the Skeleton... and the bones do survive very well, as I have Studied the subject in major detail over the years... instead, unknown Men with Regular Hardware Store Hammers, get to SMASH My Lovong Mothers Skull into smaller fragments, so they can then send them into the "GRINDER"... The fucking Grinder, fer Christ-sake.... Was What I asked WRONG?... so why do I feel Perverted about it?


all I wanted was a part of Her to identify and adore... But all I get is 6 lbs of indeterminate ASH... Which I slowly added to my food over time till I have consumed her, there are only a few meals left...  What Will I Eat When My lifeblood is gone from the pepper-pot... btw: I ate My Grandmother in 4.5 Years.. but kept enough to sprinkle with Mum on Gosport Beech, Where She was Happiest as a Child... 

Its the Inversion and final unification of our Beings.. I started within Her, and now She ends inside Me... thats not perverse, it is Devotion... 

Because Finally I can say, I Loved My Mother.... and tried to bond the final few months.. and we did made peace, there was a period of about 12 weeks in the last 6 months, when I went every night to spoon feed Her a Yoghurt...

She didnt Like any with "BITS" in it... so we got only 3 to choose from, Smooth Toffee was her favourite .. But Strawberry came out on top after any distractions of variation... I was an "intuitive spoon feeder" very few dribbles or wipe ups were ever needed...

I came in one night and one of the Staff there were feeding Her... and it was all over her Chin and on the Bib above the bedsheets... Because They didnt care, and GLAD TO SAY I DID... But I missed a few nights here and there out of exhaustion... and MD which You know I have...

Death is a Wave that hits you while swimming.. it takes your breath away and frightens You... But the Witnessing of it, makes You a better person.. in a manner of Speaking "Death is Good For You" it sobers up a corrupt mind to the point of being a "FRIEND".. that is not so Scary...

Easy to say in the cold Light of Day.... but hard when the tears come in the cold nights, when there is nothing to cry on but Your Pillow... its hard to sleep with a nose full of snot... night in night out....


Dear Lord God Have Mercy on My worthless Soul... 

I AM NOTHING.. Just a twitch reflex in a broken body and mind, Go Off!. leave me alone to live the hollow emptiness that is my deserved fate:

Please Go away... and shut the door behind You: 
and dont come back.. my preffered intimicy is with myself alone, please respect my wishes...