Yesterday mornings Dream

It's almost an exact day since a part of a dream that I had yesterday morning, and I was driving a Rolls Royce, the dashboard was walnut wood, the steering wheel was a soft leather feel with the RR symbol in the middle, and I thought wow this some luxury car.. where am I driving to? I cant remember...

Why and Where did this RR get into my hands... but what a smooth ride, nothing more than a gentle whisper from the engine, I felt pretty Good and was enjoying the ride, then somehow I pulled back out through the roof so it became about 70ft below me, I saw it was black... it had become the size of a toy or I had become a Giant, and by outstretching my left hand I was able to pick the entire car up momentarily, as another car was coming straight toward it..

and prevented a collision, then put it back on the road... didnt think too much about it again as it turned into another dream which I cant remember at all dammit...!! but didn't pay it a second thought.... till this early morning as I woke from psychotic restlessness and spiritual mental bi-polar type conflicting anxieties, where you just cant keep a train of thought... it runs away from you, it was about 4:30 and I came to an awful conclusion..

I lie in bed awake and just try to fool Myself I am asleep.. Why? because (the conclusion) I dont much like being awake!.. cant stand my own company, hate going out and the sunshine, dislike being near to anyone at any time, except under duress... I am totally antisocial and  so self conscious I can never ever be myself... or find release..

so as I dont like being awake, what I am doing is rehearsing a little Death, lying there with thoughts that have no purpose, which dont flow but fall over each other like towers made of matchsticks.. random without shape or form, so after waking this morning, I found a tiny piece of Grass.. and it set my mind free for a while... and I remembered the dream about the RR... and then I realised it may have been a Hearse.. it was black.. and long....

so having momentarily re-collected my wits... I thought it was worth a blog... as recently I have been thinking about Death and how it does not make appointments....

Who would ever try to Schedule your own demise.... "now shall I die before Christmas, or after Easter...?" Fuck it... Why not tonight?.. I could even help.. OK lets have a coffee a Cigarette.. and Exeunt this gutters to the sewer of death... if talking about it helps then do so.. dont keep it to yourself..

its those well behaved quiet kids who never say a word that do it... coz they were Bullied... Not the Big mouths like me.. who would hang onto the last dribble of life like a maggot on a dead Chicken...

That little Joint is just what the Dr Ordered... now will follow a period of contemplative activity, which will then decay into morbidity while pretending to be asleep, so I dont have to think... which is the hardest job of all for me.. pushing my bike round the same circuit 26 times over 3 days wasnt bad, shoulder pat.. it takes Hercules strength to motivate me to do Anything... I have become a Zombie TV Watcher, with x2 PVR's which records everything that is interesting over x4 simultaneous channels... I scour the TV guide like Sherlock Holmes, for the faintest hint of cerebral stimulation...

that way the TV does my Thinking for me... I dont need to buy potatoes.. I am a Potato... Sluggish as a dead donkey...

trouble is now I'm "up" there will be some time to focus on a Project, that has repeatedly returned to me to be shared... anyway we'll see... wont we..
Yawn... bored with it already..