Hate Perpetuates itself...

whereas, Love sacrifices itself...

It almost happened again... see a few blogs back, maybe I have a Death Wish that will activate at a certain time... I dunno... there are so many nasty malicious people out there, (I used to be one of them so I know it is true)

So many levels and potentiality's in every interaction with a stranger, those who seek to insight Anger in another are truly Wicked and vindictive, to Illicit fire in a peaceful soul, is a kind of very deep Rape... to incite revenge is pure evil...

i.e. to make an Angel into a Devil with your poisoned invective... remember Hate is always Exponential... You get goaded and loaded with anger by the Nasty attitudes of another being rude and disrespectful... invading you attempt to live a good life... they gut you like a fish...

Hey Hate is it's own death-wish... Who is so divine in behaviour they can take pain for another by stopping a bullet/lie with their own deep humanity, who will risk it all to save another in the face of such inestimable injustice and undoubted slaughter house mentality... 

the taste of hate is forever in your mouth as bitter and unforgettable as any Living Day/Night mare... your time is almost done it is time to succumb... 

Glory to Ukraine... NO SURRENDER EVER...

Going to Church Sunday !...

Why are you nuts, or something...

BECAUSE I nearly totally died just half an hour ago.. in a head on collision at around 40 miles an hour so not so very fast but very expensive on many levels... and layers... as I had just Scored from my Gypsy Dealer, and I had a rare few daytime drinks just an hour before, plus I took 2 Tramadol at 9:am, Because...

I was going to the Dentist for an "Extraction" ouch ahead of time... the upper 5 if that means anything to you, so there you have 'a potential Hell Sandwich' in a day time frame... so I drove quite a few miles in My Beautiful BMW, see all the pics about 200 blogs back... click below to see... 

"Errors of judgement and bad taste..."

More miles than usual, as I had to later get a Stash from my Old Grow Buddy... I was desperadoes baby hadn't had a smoke for days, and I needed a fix quick, So I was less than totally careful as Usual as I drive my Bimmer like a Hearse usually.. pretty cars look so much more attractive when they are going slow...

Anyhow to the Meat of the moment here at hand still fresh in my tiny mind... is what happened... I was driving Home and a Car had partially blocked on the other side, and a white van pulled out just as I approached, (I feel it was Arrogant Anger and Aggression) so my mind went BLACK and foolishly I got instant ROAD RAGE REVENGE INITIATIVE clicked in, 

"I aint fucking stopping Bum Boy" were my thoughts; and he put his foot down at the right time to avoid a rear offside hit...

then the next second another FOOL followed the white Van (Who could not possibly see the coast was not clear, yet he followed like a limp dick) in a small green car I saw his reaction he spun the steering Wheel so far left he hit parked car, and the car behind Him Hit Him !!

I got home Slightly Quivering with a natural Endocrine release of large amounts... I felt like a lesser Lunatic realising what I just did, and RISKED SO MUCH, I started shaking a little more than a tremble, But dont worry I am fine Now after a Glug Glug on a bottle of Cleaning Fluid, thats what vodka is really useful for...

But the retrospect alternative to the situation is... terrifying if we had HIT... is very scary indeed, 

the Police would have been called, I would have been breathalysed (AGAIN) and lost my licence, plus they would have smelt the Skunk, as there was so much of it, plus I would have wreaked my (looks like a Million dollars) Car...

That's Why I am going to Church on Sunday, Thank God or whatever spirits saved me then, I really feel DELIVERED..

Thank that Ol Boy in sky, and that Jesus Geezer... I think I love you naturally and for the rest of my existence....

Yes I should have been more careful, but when my buttons get pressed, I turn Cyclops momentarily and only think in 2 dimensions.... But I am Praising my good fortune every minute of now and tonight...

Thank You Spirit/s that guided my hand... we were whiskers away from total calamity.... NO KIDDING...

Praise God AMEN... I give thanks for all I do not deserve including my life....

The Milk of Human-kindness...

Has evaporated dried and died... 

where has old time generosity and human kindness gone... how did we ever get to 'here'... where mercy has gone underground, and dying Crying babies get erased 

there are momentary miracles... outside of ordinary experience, often embalmed in Love transferred by a imperceptible smile given by an Angel in the Street... a momentary gift of warm recognition...

be that sincere spirit with a giving soul in the tiniest way, send it along on the river of love... all that has long gone under the bridge's of time dilation's and one way streets... the milk and the teat of human-kindness is yours to give to whom you choose... often you lose, but you did good just trying...

only when you begin to understand the sensitivity and depths of another's feelings will you begin to get it !... send a little bitty trace of positive pulse in any form or intercommunication, it could get you through a road block, and released from custody, it might make a slither of difference when your ass is against the wall... always be polite 'soyez toujours poli'... joy is fleeting and soon a grievance... 

give up all hope who enter this land... it's over...

Metaphysical Geochemistry

To think is to be...

but stimulants change things to many alternate options and fanatical frenetic addiction... all those stupid 'Angry young Men' who lose it while using it, dont deserve any sympathy, it seems the greatest of all addictions is the Pursuit of pleasure itself.... you change Brain chemistry and cause a domino effect through the deepest well of your being...

i.e. Addiction is slavery to your own wish to be there... look what it did to lab rats, America is the Gran-daddy of experimental drugs dangerous pursuits... questionable double standards and lame Presidents, there is not enough room in the Jails for all the bad people yet to be caught, they dont even arrest you anymore, the streets are filled with thieves cheats and Murderers... who in their right mind would go there for a "holiday" are you serious...

perfection sometimes is less than geometrically correct... we can forgive the odd anomaly ... that is what makes us all a little bit different...the infinite complexity of variation... but there is a big divide between the Normal and the less than ordinary... that is the river between rich and poor... the unstoppable Greed for 'more' is possessing every echelon in society...

From the bottom up... till it reaches the top...

are you with me...

war does not work...

there comes a point when force no longer works...

Either Annihilation or Sterilisation is the only answer to an entire global downfall into a subduction of endless Corruption... 

Eugenics when utilised humanely is the way to the future of an improved mankind, Order with freedom for thinking, the best kind of society is under control not randomly breeding without a licence.. all births must be approved... no less than humans allowed...

it will take many miracles for survival to 2026, good luck to all !

50 years today @ 3.00 pm

50 years ago today @ 3.00 pm I auditioned for Darama school, in Glasgow, I had been in Largs Operatic society and a girl there got me the audition application form and she drove me there at mad speed in a fast Ford Cortina.. its a wonder we didn't all die...

So I was dropped at Georges Place just off Renfrew Street by a big Church... there was a Cafe way back then, there... I sat in it for almost 5 hours waiting for the moment of truth...

at the appointed time I walked like a condemned Prisoner to the point of expression and execution, I was ready to do my thang... 

well that day I was fearless it was my one chance to actually persue something deep and meaningful, and a chance to do something frightening and exciting simultaneously...

I did my 2 Speeches One was Shakespeare; Brutus, "hear me for my cause" which I did with all the fake bullshit I had in me.. 

the other speech I have forgotten, well it is 50 frigging years, now I am an old wasted second rate non entity... With a small fortune but not much life left by simple mathematical logic...

Well I did get in and the next three years were a dream of conveyance to success and endless happiness...  

but 98% of Drama graduates end up doing other things.. for more money, coz there is no Big cash in the chorus...

well I eventually ended in the gutter, but what does it matter... Good luck to you all who are about to fail... dont give up hope... not yet... 

when you do, just go to bed till your dead... there is nothing that will save you except your own condemnation... The pursuit of fame you dont deserve is common amongst many a third rate human mind...

69 months to the moment...

2,100 days ago to this day exactly, I didn't want to share this in a Blog but I feel sad; and that is my therapy to get it out of my system... self expression is a way to eviscerate it from your guts ironically... into actuality...

So here is the Day, every month on the 13th, I dread it, yes every month is an anniversary, the Day BOO Died in front of me... I could not believe what I was witnessing but that awful day is recorded, every moment of distress both Hers and mine every frame of every photon I perceived is written into scars on my heart...

it was the worst day of/in my life nothing comes even close... and it has impaired my will like trying to clime a frozen waterfall in every action of the body n mind... not more than an hour passes while awake when I dont spontaneously speak her name...

everywhere we ever went together I relive moments we shared like holograms projected by my Heart.. into the Visual Cortex like magic...

Yes I see dead people, 

and dead people who are 'still living'... like moi...

But most of all My eternal unending yearning and longing is for Her every-time, if I dont see Her in Heaven, I will get a Holy Man to fix it... can you commit suicide in Heaven when you are already dead, that is Double Decker Dead..  hell is a memory you cannot escape from...

I miss You BOO

please abide with me...

'-'

Every-time is Now...

Pain Pleasure Ecstasy and leisure... its all there... but the "moment of Ecstasy passes" like life itself... what do you do when like a Wheel your moment moves on... and turns to a new remembered aspect... the moment of all time is, "now" you are still going with the BIG moment... = organic life... 

the pursuit of pleasure is the beginning of the self destruction of the soul... willingly without a second thought...

The downside of Heaven is your imperfect past... and regrets are like Lacerations and scars all the way through your unbalanced preceding subterfuge and deception to others and mostly 'yourself' your greatest deceptions were to you...

the greatest mistakes were all made by you, dont always blame others for your demise and downfall...

Only Popes got to heaven, Peasants have to endure it all over again... and again, because they cannot educate their evil hearts not to do bad... coz doing bad is quick and easy, good is hard and slow... 

what you get for NOW, wont last long enough to make you complete... only what you give forever for nothing will get you a 'Day pass' in paradise...

a Whole lifetime of suffering is a full Passport to enrichment in stasis... in the luxury Saints only Lounge, only the great Givers get first class transportation to Satori, with personal treatment...

Obsessive fixations...

you may be lucky and avoid the pitfalls of the compulsive relentlessly continuing torment and living misery of an endless longing that drives you abnormally crazy... 

like no other... to live every breath while longing for someones Comfort who will never come back again, that = Pain... not a Burn or a break but an ache like a toothache 3ft deep...

from the top of your head to your ass the length of your spine indeed all of your torso including your poor old lonely willy... you are experiencing an emotional event of such magnitude that it takes your breath hope and will away...

there is a Panic like no other that opens a vast cold chasm in your chest, that makes you feel utterly and totally alone, and very scared, like an abandoned child, that you have lost something eternally irreplaceable... 

like losing your whole life's savings, on top of the car because it was so hot you put it there to take your jacket off, and forgot about it, when you got home miles later you realise what you have done... (thats a true story; not me btw:)

broken hearts eventually turns out to be a self perpetuating internal psychosomatic myth, until years pass and you finally get close to getting over it... 

but all that massive emotion is food for Cancer heart attacks and Comas from strokes... Pain causes so much damage who can outrun it...

afterwards you see clearly via deep retrospect... like witnessing a frozen body just a few inches beneath the crystal clear Ice... looking back at you with dead eyes that look so alive...

and see she was not worth the heartache and headaches... the negative behaviour it induced is so destructive both inside and outside in unnatural behaviour... 

and people read it... they read you...

like a cheap pamphlet filled with meaningless adverts and nonsense, You equal a boring Broken waste of space and worthless miss-information... an incoherent pile of wasted emotion;

I have had a diminishing obsessive love for 40 entire years, but these days it is down to; around just 4 or 7 nightmares a year... which reinforces that cataclysmic shock of Loss that hits you like a Psychological Rifle bullet to your Heart, and Dick... 

Free Sex has ended, and is no more, not even Masturbation, is a living reality, wanking over avatars in your head..  unrequited orgasms never happen, I remember coming therefore I dont really need to do it again... 

so vivid is the memory... as you sit on the porch in your little cabin in the deep woods, as the sun goes down and the Skin-walkers awaken to hunt your empty Soul all over again... 

regret is so repetitive it happens every dawn and lasts all day till bedtime...

"Spoken like a true authentically Diagnosed Bi-Polar Manic depressive" that is what I am, a Shell that was never a Man... at least I am on the Cross with Jesus... which is a lotta fun to a Masochist...

makes me feel kinda Melancholic Joy-us and justified... as Obsessive love irrevocably evaporates like blood on a Stone in the Desert... 

surrender and triumph...