Friday, 10 July 2015

into the gates of Nirvana.. Again..

I accidently Stumbled upon the gates of Nirvana.. got sort of lost in the Forest of humanity, used up spat out became a weak willed lazy good for nothing self pitying crevasse of potential erasure.. just dragging my feet along getting through each predictable repetitive day.. especially on Dec 15th 2006, My Dog "Honey" Died.. 'had to be put down' surgery was out of the question...

She had Blocked arteries and had been panting very heavily for over a day, she couldn't walk more than a few steps without stopping, My Dear 'late' Mum at the time said; take Her to the Vet "I'll pay" (God bless the Bank of Mum/Mom) so I did... 

Honey always hated any Vet's and shook uncontrollably when ever She went to one... This I told to the Vet, so She kindly agreed to consult Honey in the back of my Van.. Her diognosis was terminal, "she is having a slow protracted Heart attack, probably since She started Panting.." 

which was the whole night before... and at one point I screamed at Her, "Shut up go on the Sofa".. and in merciless retrospect that makes a 'mixed meat Pate' of my entire being, and my eyes become rivers of Remorse never ending never relenting... to evaporate in tears..

If you dont have a heart and a little 'pity'.. which is 'the beginning of compassion' if You dont have a nagging conscience tugging at you like an implacable infant... then you are not; maybe never were; or are no longer; 'Human'.. 

to be a Real Human Being' is to 'have pity' that eats your soul alive... and quickens the spirit; the ghost; the 'user' that is the true you "Superego of your unconscious mind manifest through the agonising pain of unrequited redemption... and your deep fried soul gets burned on regrets... (the most destructive use of consciousness)..

when you slowly realise, You Would have; should have; could have;... but didn't do anything except please and satisfy your self... this is an Ideal moment to consider 'self termination' as it is high on the, to do agenda of the emotionally incompetent.. and irrevocably irrelevant..

unfinished; but wot the hell post this stuff; 
it's vaporizing ammonia... 

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