How to Wipe Your ass..

you may think I am making a sick and silly Shock for shocks sake kinda abstract portamento to a truth so personal and revealing.. that it is better left out of any real determination of Soul reality or reason to get into and describe... NO it is the art that is never seen and not arguably obscene..

I want to make even the act of cleansing oneself, an act of True and real ART, and not a shameful experience... Some thing that unites us all is every living thing Shits... but humans are in a denial, because their shit is to temporal and totally excluded from the Art/Liform..

Romans used to eat in Private, and Shit in Public..maybe thats why rome Fell?.. Shit is the most Potent undiscovered Actual remnant of an Ape in the Jungle... they search for Scat "dont They" and yes to them it says so much.. it reveals a part of the inner YOU...

We all take pride in the pungency of our own Shit... " I made that!" the smell of "deep shit is the smelly-est shit of all.. the shit of Conscience... that never goes away... the acrid smell of of Shit is as distinctive as any French fragrance... you always know "who made it"...

But seriously, I Predict a stain on the wall of Rapture... Art is about to get hijacked by cack... wait and see..

One Day in the next 100m MTV Years the "there wil be a Celebrity ass wipe Show" guess whos poo it is, to go through the shit kaleidoscope and win a prize... I yearn to see a thousand toilet tissues and a thousand famous names put randomly together into a feast of revulsion and terminal flush delight..

How do You "Wipe You ass" I know for a fact that some people dont even need to.. they have evolved more than you and I.. lets do an anonymous evaluation over random data from ass cams over the world... what might we see?... what patterns of amazement may accidentally be there..

To Shit is to be happy... with every inch of turd... that slowly escapes from your gaping distended Arse.. its the wipe where the ART lives (literally in bacteria) but germs can get quite sexy when sliding a whores ass off a bed after a night of coitus without available tissues...

there is no greater stain than a wasted batallion of sperm mixed with shit from the wet whore you ravaged the night before, (memory of a younger me)

What does Britneys little smear reveal.. if you saw it how would it make you feel... What the fuck have you been eat=ing to make a quivering sliver of choco latte out of control on one 9 wrap of absorbent TT (toilet tissuse) what would it reveal in you?..... are you strong enought for your shit to be seen on PBS...


Draw the percentage on such a viral idea? how much is entertainment via Shit Worth? just simple omnipresent Shit... who could be the genius that thought, Guess the ass - wipe... and enjoy the dimensions that only a trip through the alimentary canal can get a show on MTV 

Call my Agent, this is an idea that deserves to be spared from mockery.. we have had 50 shades of Gray, why not a 100 shades of brown to black... (red wine is a nasty shock, when the tannin has given your stools a suntan..)

OK... here are my tips to give yourself a cleanup when wearing white that you want to keep clean and bright.. a few years ago I discovered "Baby wipes" the greatest aid to personal hygiene ever invented... if you dont have a Bidet, these make the final clean up to a really big Job.. 

having used tissues to start the big clean up.. finish off with baby wipes.. once you try them you will always buy them.. under a £1 a pack, they are soaked in Aloe vera which is a natural balm oil from a flower.. 

you'll never feel so fresh and carefree, take my tip and use these... I never looked back.. and keep a pack in the glove compartment of my car in case of "accidents" and to freshen up in general, they are just as kind to your face.. if you use them in the "first" place... ha ha... not the second... you can buy handy little travel packs too.. so convenient and easy to carry..

What you take to be a Joke is actually a life saver in the event of uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea when visiting far away places.. like the great Wall of China when I was caught out, and had to use socks for want of a good kitchen wipe say... 

Another aid to comfort your visitors is to have a regular "Kitchen roll" next to the toilet roll dispenser, for really big emergencies like "Dengue Fever" or an unstoppable Period from hell; or "post backstreet Abortion"... (ladies only) I also like to add a little "till roll" in case a little mouse wants or a fairy doll needs a poop... (kids only) makes em laugh, when they ask "What's this one for"? btw: alway keep a packet of tampons opened in your toilet, for embarrased ladies that may have been caught out, but were far too polite to ask..

You may think this is humour, but nothing is more deadly serious than a shit you cant wipe away, and to be frank its good after a wank.. those wet wipes always "win the Day"... back and front and every which way... because let's face it.. sometimes underwear is Not enough... to hold Nature at bay...


10th edit