Emotional Deprivation..

A shooting pain.. like fixing battery acid, kind of memory shocked me to write that title... I had a vision of My Mother in the Home That She lived in before succombing to death by boredom of a killing fatalism and the absence of all hope for anything in the future...

I saw her many times, over time; slowly giving in to the last...  to be honest I couldnt wait to leave most visits... but there were moments of duration that I reflect upon, that freeze my soul to a momentary misery.. I saw her in this vision when I wasn't there... So bored all she could do was give up and sleep... they Dragged her out of bed at 8 am to sit in the lounge with the others...

and the phrase came right out of the unconscious blue like it usually does, in trance of rectified self actualisation.. search it and you will see the power of a mind when released from confinement both physical and spiritual restrictions...

My Wonderful Mother died of many things combined... but part of that Whole was.. Emotional Isolation by deprivation... I was a part of that, not the whole sum of the total, but.. all who were related were too... without wanting to apportion blame.. we are all neglectful and indifferent in some way.. "there are no Good Guys" in the final analysis...  all are mortal and flawed, to make a diamond worthless, from a promise.. to shattered glass..

She said to me a few times... "You'll miss me when I'm gone.." So right She was... I remember the April Day When She moved into "Rother House" (now demolished, quite rightly) I moved her few things in and then before I left She went and sat in the Lounge.. and after She had sat down.. I saw the bravery of her absolution and commitment to be in "this awful Place" worse than a Hospice, with a quarter the treatment..

That Look on her face as She Looked at the "wall" breaks my heart.. that was the begining of her final transition into a Dead person.. I see it here today in an alarming crystal retroflection... and the depth of grief is like faling into a volcano, where you have no way out but to burn and scream untill you are cooked, in the tears of remorse from a shallow evaporating soul...

The living are Mostly Monsters.. only the dead are Divine... who were starved to death form many things, and a part of that was and will always be... Emotional Deprivation.. enough loneliness to kill an Elephant..

Be cleansed by your own tears.. and bear your heart to the prison walls of conscience... be humbled by your own ability to cry so deeply you can hardly breathe...  that is the moment when you learn to live, and accept death in the same moment of enlightenment and glimpsed insight...

A moment of peace is worth a thousand lifetimes of painful regret.. close your eyes and let the lot go... the Memory of caring Love lasts for all time... even unto death.. and perhaps beyond.

sweet melancholia..