Friday, 15 July 2011

Titanic struggle

My Body Clock needs a Jeweller to fix it... I feel tired all the time, the middle of the day is an Alien Zone where I dont feel quite right at all... give me the middle of a long winters night that never seems to end, and short days without sunshine.. lots of rain and dark clouds... that is where I am most at home..

I am Struggling to stay Awake... having done so little for so long, a few minutes in a chair and the soma coma (nice phrase huh?) envelopes me.. so for a change I am trying to concentrate, then go out again on my Bike around the football field opposite my house... I try to do 10 circuits.. but each circuit I almost give up, but have to just blank out that persuasive thought... and just do another... after 4 I say "go on just do 5" than after 5 I think go on do just another one, and so on... just keep going... 10 yesterday, only 6 the day b4..

but when you do 10 you feel great.. soaking wet sweat pouring down my back, nearly blinding me with salt in the eyes... but then the Luxury of a Cold Shower... but laziness always trys to find a way out of any task.. thats why I am writing this Blog now... coz as Long as I can think of something to add... then I dont have to go...

I wake every day like a condemned man, didn't you know a Coward dies a 1000 deaths?... then you conclude whats the point of going... at all.. it's such an uphill grind,  everything weighs you down... your Fat fucked finished and fifty fucking 8 (almost)... but today I am fighting it head-on..

its not been unusual for me to go to bed at 8am and wake for "Deal or no Deal" then eat something, and go back to bed by 7:30, then wake again at around midnight, get up xbox for a while then go back to bed at 4am.. there is no regularity, then about once every ten days, I have slept the sequence back to experience ALL DAY, like today...

and it feels really odd, so about 3 times a month I have an average human daylight day... I could simply not function like that for a working week.. I could never hold down a job ever ..  I am a Sleep junkie..

if I have to get up for a particular purpose, I worry about it all night and cant sleep at all, so I get doubly tired and the day is Torture.. something has been wrong with me for years... when you hit mid 50's you really dont like what you see in your conscience or the mirror... neither does anybody else...

Got a gig on Sat... so that means manipulating the 48hrs b4 into the correct sleep cycle... or I can barely operate as a sentient entity... even when I am awake, I'm partially asleep... in the last 10 years I have slept at least 7...

absolutely true, my average day is yours in reverse, awake 8 sleep 16.. Sick but true... if I'm lucky..!! last week was around 4 awake 20 asleep.. Honest to God... I am unemployable and fucking totally useless... hence my obsession with Death, I am pretty much ready for it any day now... coz it wont make much difference to me, Will it?.... years pass and accumulate like months used to, a Month is like a long weekend to me... I go to bed in June and wake up in August, in a manner of speaking...  I'm not even good looking enough to be a Zombie... they are interesting and attractive... I am more like a Cicada Grub... which sleeps for 11-14 years as a pupa then lives for a month feasting on Sex...

Yup it sucks like a Hoover to be me... lol... OK now its time to GO out on the Bike and do some cardiovascular therapy... do You think I will actually get there... I'll let you know either way.. coz blogging is like a confessional, and You dont Lie at Confession... do You?...

Do You?....

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